FINGERING // ENTRY #001
We use our hands in so many different ways. We use them for physical functions like brushing our teeth or typing on a cell phone. We use our hands as one of our senses, grasp the feeling of something. Our hands allow us to tell you if something is hot or cold, soft or hard, wet or dry.
I have this huge problem with inadequate toilet paper. I’m a guy and I don’t eat totally healthy or a consistent diet. If you have a dog, you may be able to understand that changing the diet of your best friend causes them to have an irregular shit. That happens for me and it’s a running, somewhat, joke that friends will notice if I haven’t come over and taken a “bent” at their place.
Now I am active, not an everyday gym fool, I get stoned and eat the fridge, I will sometimes use a substance and I won’t eat much, if anything for days.
With my irregular bowel movements and partial drug use, I need to know that the one thing consistent in my irregular toilet use, is that when I can, make sure that the tissue that’s cleaning my bottom is as soft and strong as can be.
I remember being in the casinos and doing some super cut blow, on more than one occasion, that must have had a lot of baby laxatives in it. I would go to the bathroom and relieve myself. While there I figured why not do another line. I guess the booze and blow together really let my common sense go right down the toilet.
Shit, sniff, sanitize and go back to the bar for a few minutes till I had the feeling I was gonna shit myself. I would head back to the bathroom and repeat the steps above. Thinking to myself every time that I might as well kill two birds with one stone, take advantage of being in the stall and take care of business on both ends of the body.
Over time the cheap paper products in the dispensers became like 80 grit sandpaper. The burn and sometimes little blood spot made everything worse. What’s wrong with me? Do I know how to wipe my ass?
When I finally started becoming an adult and buying my own toilet paper I developed my own inspection technique.
I don’t know if anyone else does this as I’ve never inspected or bought a package that had any previous signs of another’s own inspection for softness.
I look around, up and down the aisle as I stand in front of the massive selection of TP. Different pricing, different brands, different plys, too many to choose from and easy to be ignorant and say “all TP is the same.” By far it’s not.
A seasoned shitter will tell you they’re not. The techniques for different ply TP is crucial. One who has been in a place where TP is scarce like South East Asia will fold over the toilet paper several times and use it like it’s the last TP you have, because sometimes it actually is.
The more plys, the less you need per pull of the roll. Then you get to the softness aspect.
A lot of packages are labeled soft, how many types of soft are there? Quite a few if you never fingered the packages.
Seeing no one around I grab a package of TP with a description of “soft.” I take the package, find the spot, and stick my finger through the plastic. Depending on the quantity there may be one layer of plastic or two on bigger packages because the TP is bundled in smaller quantities inside the large wrapping. Hope you got strong fingers.
Trying to make minimal damage to the package I stick my finger in. After breaking through I run my finger along the TP, feeling for it’s true softness and not taking the word “soft” on the package as that’s the softest. After inspecting the product, feeling it on the rough side of my calloused hands to grade the strength and then flipping my finger over to run the backside of my finger across the roll to gauge its true softness before I make any decisions.
It may take a few inspections to find the right product for you. Too soft may not be strong enough and too strong may mean too rough. It’s your own opinion and choice of what’s right for you.
Sometimes I like to wipe once or twice, use a wet wipe and then finish off with one more wipe of TP to dry my bottom. No one ever taught us in school how to wipe, this is my school of opinion, how do you choose your TP?
Are you reading someone’s pre-used bathroom reading material?
It’s fine, nobody knows. But no one wants to be the person who has to tell the good-looking waiter or waitress there’s no toilet paper in the stall. Because now they’re standing there thinking, “Did they use the last of it, or was it already out?”
Prevent the thought. Keep your dignity. Drop your email below so you get the fresh roll directly.